


Make No Mistake

by ideserveyou



Category: Arthur of the Britons
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Dreams, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Marriage Proposal, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-05
Updated: 2011-07-05
Packaged: 2017-10-21 01:36:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/219452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ideserveyou/pseuds/ideserveyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kai doesn't want Arthur to marry Rowena</p>
            </blockquote>





	Make No Mistake

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks once again to the ever-perceptive trepkos for beta. Especially for the dream idea, and for spotting the draft of this in my fic notebook and convincing me that it was worth retrieving and turning into a story!

‘And when Mark got up again, you should have seen his face.’

 

Llud rocks with laughter.

He has been regaling the villagers for a week now with tales of the wedding that never was, and his impression of the furious, hapless, dung-spattered Mark of Cornwall has grown more hilarious with each telling.

 

Kai smiles along with the rest, but his heart is troubled. He did not wish Mark and Rowena to be married; but now he can see another marriage in the not-too-distant future, and he isn’t sure he wants this one to happen either, though he has not yet named the reason for his fear.

He sighs, and fidgets with his mead cup, tapping out a rhythm along its rim. He is missing Arthur, and impatient to hear his version of the story – and to find out what happened on the journey back to Rowena’s home.

He pictures the two of them talking; laughing; sitting by a camp fire, sharing a drink, sharing a blanket …

The cup spills over his hand, bringing him abruptly back to the present. He waves to a servant for a refill, and tries to concentrate on Llud’s story for distraction.

 

It doesn’t work.

…

‘What have you got such a long face about?’

The others have left the longhouse table to seek their beds, and Llud is mellow with mead and good cheer.

‘Your brother’s got himself a fine woman there. I’ll wager it won’t be long before we’re planning a feast in this village – and for a wedding that’ll really happen, too.’

Kai draws a sharp breath; Llud holds out a hand in apology. ‘I’m sorry, Kai. I wasn’t thinking. All this talk of weddings… Is it Goda you’re brooding over, then?’

Kai clasps the proffered hand, and murmurs something non-committal.

‘No sense in chewing over old bitterness,’ Llud says. ‘You should find yourself another girl to make you smile. The gods know there are plenty out there who’d welcome you with open arms – and more besides…’

Llud chuckles, but Kai can’t share his levity. ‘Not tonight,’ he says, as lightly as he can.

He pretends to yawn; then takes himself off to the sleeping place and wraps himself in his blankets.

Sleep will not come to him. His mind is in turmoil. He wants to be happy for his brother. And he wants Arthur to be happy.

Rowena is a leader in her own right, with fire and spirit and beauty. She will be a challenge for Arthur, and a worthy match. Kai will be gaining a sister rather than losing a brother.

But the thought of it just makes him want to break things.

 

Eventually he drifts into uneasy dreams: a dark forest where unseen enemies await him; a long hard climb up a stony track; a wide deserted shore with endless rolling waves; and lastly a door, a heavy wooden door that he can open only an inch or two, no matter how hard he pushes and shoves. When he looks through the crack he sees golden firelight and Arthur standing by the hearth, naked. Arthur turns and smiles at him –

 

Kai wakes with a smile on his own face, and with the biggest and hardest erection he can ever remember having in his life.

Just what is wrong with him?

He shakes his head to clear the dream from it, grabs a cloak and heads for the bathing place to quench his inner fires in the cold water.

 

...

 

Later that morning Kai is helping Llud replace a couple of warped timbers in the palisade, when a flash of white shows for a moment among the trees by the river. He knows it instantly for Arthur’s white horse.

His hands suddenly clumsy, he drops the mallet, earning a growl of impatience from Llud. But he ignores it and strides to the gate, and is there to take Arthur’s reins as he dismounts.

Arthur grins at him; thanks him; calls a cheerful greeting to Llud, who is still patiently working; shouts for the stable hand to see to his horse; greets the other villagers, nodding and smiling and thanking them for their good wishes; gives brief and bland answers to a host of questions; then flings an arm around Kai’s shoulders and heads for the longhouse.

 

Kai is surprised to feel Arthur leaning on him, as though for support. He tightens his grip a little; speaks in an undertone. ‘Are you hurt?’

Arthur shakes his head.

Kai forces a smile for the benefit of the watching Celts, and leads Arthur up the steps, willing him not to stumble. He tells the doorwarden to admit no-one but Llud. ‘My lord has had a long ride, and needs rest.’

He makes sure his voice is loud enough to carry to the others in the yard, and Arthur gives him a grateful look as the door closes behind them.

The longhouse is cool, dim and quiet after the bustle outside. Arthur sinks into his carved chair, and heaves a huge sigh. ‘Thank you, Kai,’ he says.

Kai doesn’t trust himself to answer. Instead he fills a basin with water; finds a cloth; brings both to Arthur to wash the dust and sweat from his face and hands. He feels a sudden urge to wipe Arthur’s troubled brow himself, and smooth the lines of tension from it; take those hands in his and wash the dust of travel from them; raise them to his lips … what is happening to him?

He turns away and busies himself: pouring mead, loading a platter with bread and meat and a couple of apples, finding a clean knife. His hands are shaking as he puts the food down before Arthur, and takes the basin away.

Forcing himself to be calm, he comes back to the table and sits on the bench. ‘So,’ he asks, keeping his voice light. ‘When will the wedding be held?’

The answer seems to take forever. Kai looks at the wall, the floor, the plate of food; anywhere but at Arthur’s face. Restlessly, he selects an apple and pretends to study it for blemishes.

 

‘There will be no wedding,’ Arthur says in a small voice.

Kai looks up in surprise. Arthur is running a finger absently around the rim of his mead cup; his eyes are lowered, and he is biting his lip.

‘What happened?’ Kai asks. ‘You two have a fight again, huh?’

Arthur shakes his head. He is drawing breath to answer when the door opens.

 

And in comes Llud, beaming genially, to clap Arthur on the shoulder and drink his health from Kai’s mead cup. He doesn’t notice Kai’s warning look, and goes on to congratulate Arthur on his good tactics and good fortune, and ask cheerily when the wedding will be …

Then he sees Arthur’s face, and the smile dies on his lips. ‘Not ready for it yet, eh?’ He claps Arthur on the shoulder again, more gently this time. ‘Ah, well, she’s still very young and so are you. Another year or two won’t hurt. But don’t leave it too long – Mark’s not the only one will have an eye to her.’ He makes a rueful face. ‘And I suppose I’m the one will have to tell the village now that they must wait awhile yet for their marriage feast? I thought as much. No rest for an old warrior.’

He picks up a hunk of bread and the mead flagon, and goes back outside, still grumbling good-naturedly; not waiting to hear Arthur’s thanks.

 

‘I thought he’d be angry,’ Arthur says, as the door creaks shut behind Llud.

‘Perhaps he could see you had troubles enough.’

‘And you?’ Arthur looks up. ‘Are you angry with me?’

‘No. Why should I be? I’m just happy you’re safe home. But I’m sorry you were … disappointed.’

‘It was not I who was disappointed.’

Arthur’s voice is filled with sadness, and Kai is ashamed of his own relief; how can he feel his heart lighten at the news of Arthur’s failure, even as he sees Arthur’s distress?

 

‘Tell me,’ Kai says.

 

Arthur crumbles some bread between his fingers; drops it back on the plate. He stares at it for a few moments, and sighs. ‘I don’t know where to start,’ he confesses.

‘At the beginning, then. You left Mark well and truly flattened – Llud’s told us all about that, and I only wish I’d been there to see it. Then you rode away with the girl. And then what?’

‘We talked.’ Arthur looks up at Kai, and, seeing his expression, glares at him. ‘What’s so amusing?’

‘I’m sorry.’ Kai shakes his head apologetically. ‘But I just knew you would say that. Only Arthur would steal Mark’s young and lovely bride, ride away alone with her, and just talk…’

Arthur’s voice is like ice. ‘Kai, I know what you think. And I don’t need to hear it.’

Kai takes a deep breath, and steadies himself. ‘Very well. Please go on.’

‘We rode all day, and we talked ...’

‘What about?’ Kai asks. His little brother is so hopeless when it comes to women. And the hope that after all Arthur may not be getting married; that he will not be losing him, brings a nervous smile to Kai’s face, despite his efforts to be serious.

‘It’s. Not. Funny.’ Arthur slams his fist on the table in sudden fury, sending the empty mead cup rolling across the boards to clatter onto the floor. ‘Damn you, Kai. You find all this so easy. It is not so for me. Not to do – or to speak of.’

He pushes his chair back and gets angrily to his feet; strides to the door of the sleeping chamber. He turns back, one hand on the doorpost. ‘I thought to tell you my tale, and ease my heart. But if you don’t want to hear it –’

 

And now there are tears in Arthur’s blue eyes.

 

Kai scrambles up and follows him; lays a hand on his arm. ‘Forgive me,’ he says. ‘I had thought these matters lay but lightly on your heart …’

‘As they do on yours?’

Kai draws in a breath. ‘I thought you took her from Mark more for sport than for any other reason. Llud seemed to think so too. I did not know she had the power to hurt you.’

 

‘No woman does.’

 

Arthur’s voice is so quiet, Kai isn’t sure he’s heard aright, but if he did … does that mean …?

He doesn’t dare to ask; instead Kai shakes his head. ‘Arthur, I cannot read your riddle. But please, begin again, and I promise to listen this time. If it is in my power to help, you know you have only to ask, and I will do what I can.’

‘Thank you,’ Arthur says. He goes into the sleeping place and flings himself down on his bed, then beckons Kai to come and sit beside him.

Kai is careful to latch the door first.

 

…

 

‘We rode all day, and yes, we talked.’ Arthur’s hands are behind his head; he is looking at the ceiling. ‘There was much to discuss. I wasn’t sure whether Rowena was angry or relieved. She told me I’d ruined her life –’

‘She didn’t really mean it.’

‘No, but I had made things difficult for her, I could see that. To have taken away one marriage and not to have offered another in its stead… I had done her a wrong. We discussed it back and forth, and the more we talked, the more we thought that after all, she and I… we might do worse than make a life together.’

Kai heaves in a deep breath. ‘You might,’ he says, looking at Arthur’s profile. How would it feel, if Rowena were the one sitting here and listening to Arthur’s troubles; while he, Kai, was banished from this bedroom?

Though the words stick in his craw, Kai says, ‘She’s a fine woman.’

‘And a good friend,’ Arthur says, a little sadly. ‘At least, she was that day. But something was missing. We weren’t ready. We were like two children playing a game. And that night …’ He rolls over, hiding his face.

Kai puts a hand cautiously on Arthur’s shoulder.

Arthur masters himself with an effort, and continues, his voice muffled in the blankets. ‘We looked at each other in the firelight and thought, why not? So we tried …’

Kai feels an ache in his throat at the raw unhappiness in his brother’s voice. He knows what it is costing Arthur to tell him this.

‘We tried our best. We stripped, we looked on each other, shivered a little, got under the blanket.’ Arthur is sticking to the facts, as though he can’t bear to recall his feelings. ‘But then…’ Words fail him.

Kai tries to help, as he has always done when Arthur needs him to, even when it breaks his heart. ‘First time’s always the hardest. The mind runs ahead of the body. It gets easier.’

‘It was impossible,’ Arthur says. He pounds a fist angrily into the wall behind the bed. ‘She did nothing wrong – she was beautiful, and willing –’

 

Silence, again.

 

‘But you couldn’t …?’ Kai asks. The shameful hope that rises in his chest, all but chokes him.

‘No. I couldn’t. Poor girl. She did her best to make me feel – as she does about me – but she was as unskilled as I. She tried to hide her disappointment but something had changed. The game was over, and I had lost. We both had. We rolled ourselves in separate blankets and lay awake all night.’

‘Will she hold it against you? Shame you in public?’

‘No, she won’t betray me. She has a reputation to lose, too.’

‘And you didn’t try again in the morning? I would have done.’

‘No. We both knew it would do no good.’

‘Arthur, I am sorry.’ And he is, because Arthur is so bereft.

‘We rode the rest of the way in silence for the most part, and agreed some story to satisfy Yorath. I promised him I’d visit again soon and left as soon as I decently could. I just wanted to get home …’

His shoulder shakes under Kai’s hand.

‘Well, you’re home now,’ Kai reassures him. ‘And you’ll feel better about it when you’ve had some rest. I’ll leave you in peace for a while – tell them all you’re sleeping.’

Reluctantly, he takes his hand away, and tries to think of something comforting to say. Whatever Arthur needs: comfort, or advice; even help to start afresh with Rowena – Kai will do his best to supply. But it has become finally, blindingly apparent to him during this conversation that none of those is what he, Kai, hopes Arthur really wants from him.

‘And Arthur – you don’t have to give up on all women, just because of this one.’

 

He moves to stand up; but to his surprise Arthur rolls over and reaches for him. ‘Don’t leave me.’

Kai’s heart skips a beat. He looks down at Arthur’s hand gripping his wrist. ‘There is more?’ he says.

‘There is.’ Arthur draws a harsh breath. ‘I had a lot of time to think on the way home. I needed to know why I failed her – when all had seemed so right.’

 

He falls silent again.

 

After a little while, Kai says, ‘Perhaps it was a mistake to let your first time be with someone you really cared about – there was too much riding on it.’

‘It was a mistake. All of it, from start to finish.’ Arthur’s voice is determined.

‘She’s not the only woman in the world,’ Kai says. ‘There will be others …’

‘No. No others. Don’t you understand?’ Arthur holds Kai with his gaze, as if willing his mind to be known without a word being spoken.

 

But Kai needs to hear it from Arthur’s lips.

 

Remembering some advice Llud gave him long ago, Kai carefully frees himself and stands up.

‘Please don’t go.’ Arthur reaches out a hand again.

‘It’s all right,’ Kai says. ‘I’m not leaving you. But sometimes, when there is a hard truth to be spoken, it is easier to speak it when nobody can see your face.’

 

He sits down on the floor beside the bed, and waits.

 

The silence lengthens. A fly buzzes in the corner of the thatch; someone laughs in the yard outside.

‘When we were lying there... it wasn’t her face I saw,’ Arthur says.

 

‘Then whose?’ Kai looks at the dusty floor; fiddles nervously with the fringe of the sheepskin bedcover.

 

Arthur takes a deep breath, hesitates for a moment, and then says: ‘Yours.’

 

A hard truth; but so easy on Kai’s ears. His world turns over in a tumult of joy and fear, excitement and relief. He gets unsteadily to his knees, but he can’t look at Arthur: he buries his face in the blankets.

Arthur sighs. ‘It was a mistake to say that too, wasn’t it?’ He sounds defeated and hopelessly sad.

‘No,’ Kai says. ‘No mistake. It was – it was what I wanted you to say…’

Arthur gasps; then Kai feels Arthur’s fingers running through his hair, and even that slight touch is enough to make him tremble. A small sound of need escapes him.

‘What was that?’ Arthur asks.

Kai’s senses are reeling. ‘When…’ he says, to cover his confusion. ‘When did you know?’

 

Arthur takes time to answer, choosing his words with care. ‘It was when … when you and Llud were teasing me. About Mark’s wedding. You turned to him, laughing, and your smile clove my heart in two. I had to pretend to be angry, and turn away, or I would have fallen into your arms then and there. I never dreamed you and I could be together …’

Emboldened, Kai reaches up to grasp Arthur’s hand, linking his own fingers through Arthur’s. ‘You didn’t think I’d want you?’ he asks.

‘No. I used to hope, but you always seemed to have your eye on some girl or other.’

Kai tightens his grip. ‘If only you’d said something – before you went away to Cornwall. I would have put you straight.’

‘I know,’ Arthur says. ‘I wasn’t brave enough. And I had to go to that wedding, come what might.’

He looks into Kai’s eyes; caresses the nape of his neck, setting him on fire.

‘But,’ Kai says, puzzled, ‘if you knew you didn’t want Rowena – why go to all that trouble? Why not just let Mark marry her?’

‘She deserves better. And it would have made him too powerful – a threat to our security.’

‘That gap in our northern defences,’ murmurs Kai, nuzzling into Arthur’s hand. ‘It had to be plugged…’

Arthur chuckles, and ruffles Kai’s hair. ‘Yes, it did.’ Then he sobers. ‘And I thought that, if she and I were on our own … that if I lay with Rowena I would forget, or find that I had imagined what I felt for you, or perhaps that it was just my body seeking to be satisfied. But I was wrong.’

There is an edge of tears in his voice that makes Kai raise his head and look at him with concern. This is an Arthur he hasn’t seen since childhood: an Arthur whose habitual confidence and certainty have been undermined, leaving him afraid and vulnerable.

‘I’m glad you were wrong,’ Kai says. ‘I’ve never been more glad of anything.’

 

And now Kai dares to crawl onto the bed, and Arthur pulls him close. Both are shaking. Arthur winds his hands into Kai’s hair and looks up at him, and Kai knows what Arthur wants… Arthur’s lips are parted… Kai leans down and kisses him, feeling Arthur open up to him, yielding himself in return, and all is glorious until Arthur pulls away and buries his face in the pillow.

‘We can’t,’ he says.

‘Why not?’

Doing his best to be gentle and reassuring, despite his own frantic need, Kai strokes Arthur’s back, but he is so afraid that Arthur will withdraw from him; and after that soft, sweet contact he knows he would rather die than give Arthur up now.

‘We can do this,’ he says. ‘We must … Arthur, I’ve loved you for years without ever knowing it. I can’t let you go.’ Panic creeps into his voice. ‘Please don’t send me away.’

Arthur heaves a huge sigh and turns over, and Kai sees with relief that it’s the same for him: the raw newness, the joy, the fear, and the wildness and passion, kept in check, just beneath the skin.

The side of Arthur that the world never sees.

Kai longs to find a way to release that, to revel in it, to take Arthur to the heights, but it’s what Arthur is most afraid of: losing control.

 

‘I’m sorry,’ Arthur says, looking at the ceiling. ‘I do want you to stay with me. But I’ll need your help. I’ve never done this before. At least, not …’

‘Not with someone else?’

Arthur shakes his head, biting his lip.

‘You can trust me,’ Kai says. ‘I’m not judging you.’

He puts a hand gently under Arthur’s chin, tilts his face up and looks into his eyes. He could drown in those blue depths; gaze into them forever, and always find something new there.

‘It’s my first time too, you know,’ he says. ‘I’ve never done this with you before. There’s never been another man …’

Arthur strokes Kai’s cheek, then draws him down for another kiss. This time he doesn’t pull away, not even when his hardness is straining at the front of his breeches, and he must know that Kai can feel it nudging and swelling against him; must be able to feel Kai’s hard cock pressing at his thigh in response.

Then he is reaching down, touching Kai – there …

Kai gasps, and arches his back, and at once Arthur withdraws his hand. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says again. ‘I shouldn’t have –’

Kai can’t help laughing. ‘Why ever not?’ he says. ‘If I didn’t want you to touch me, would I be lying here like this?’ He gestures at his rampant prick, and grins. ‘It doesn’t do that for nothing, you know.’

Arthur is blushing; but he is smiling too. Then he pushes himself against Kai, asking …

 

Later, Kai finds himself lying naked on the bed, but how much time has passed since he first laid his hand on Arthur, he does not know. His body glows with ease and fulfilment; unable to help himself, he came tempestuously into Arthur’s hand almost as soon as he felt Arthur’s fingers around his prick, and he would have been ashamed had it not been for the look of utter, astonished happiness on Arthur’s face.

Arthur, though, held himself back, and Kai has not been hurrying him. They have stripped each other, and looked, and touched, and said very little; and now Arthur’s breathing is quickening, and he is on his back and thrusting into Kai’s hand, and Kai leans over and trails kisses down Arthur’s body, all down the widening streak of black hair that leads to his prick.

Arthur whimpers, but he doesn’t push Kai away as Kai licks and nuzzles at his groin. His tip is wet.

Kai looks up at him, asking permission.

‘This isn’t … another mistake?’ Arthur’s voice is husky and breathless; his eyes are full of eagerness.

Kai smiles. ‘If it is, then I hope that you and I will make many more,’ he says.

And he lowers his head and takes Arthur into his mouth.


End file.
